So, as the post heading might imply, I have bipolar disorder. And, I’m proud of it. It gives me creativity, imagination, thinking outside the box, heightened intuition, and an understanding and appreciation for all those who are different.
The reason for the title is that just last night, I stayed up all night in a somewhat manic state. Don’t worry, I didn’t do anything rash. I wasn’t drinking. I didn’t order shit online that I can’t afford. I didn’t go roaming the streets. I actually put the manic energy and lack of sleepiness to good use. I cleaned. Both bathrooms, swept and mopped kitchen and downstairs bathroom, put away clean dishes and ran load of dishes in dishwasher, folded two loads of laundry, washed bathroom rugs, watered plants, put away clean clothes, cleaned up kitchen counter and tables, cleaned litter box and emptied litter tray, and smoked like a chimney.
I don’t tell you this to list my chore checklist, but to demonstrate the energy I had. These were all things I didn’t have the energy to do all week, and I did them all in one night. A long night. I was up until 10 am and then slept for about two hours and went to work for 9 hours. I was pretty tired, but managed to have a productive day at work. Friday is truck day at Family Dollar, so it’s all about “pounding freight”, getting as much put away in as little time as possible. It’s a weekly routine. I think of it as a game. Can I beat last week? It makes it more bearable. I’m not a creature of routine. I hate routine. I like variety, spontaneity, and little surprises. I guess that’s why the people are the part I like most about the job, but you can read about that in my retail adventures category of this blog.
As I wound down from my natural high this morning before taking a too short nap, I felt a little guilty, unduly. Maybe it was because it reminded me of all the nights I stayed up drinking half the night. Actually, mania is a little like intoxication, especially when I’m horny. But we’ll save that for another time. I guess it’s my WASP background and strict upbringing. It’s not practical or proper to stay up all night, especially when you have to work 9 hours the next day. I feel like if I depart from my outward persona of mister reserved and mild-mannered, that I’ve done something wrong. One must follow the norm and fit in. What kind of lunatic is out on his deck smoking at 4 am?
I’ve read about micro cycles in bipolar disorder. I think I have that. There are times when I’m suddenly giddy for no reason. I feel all warm and cozy or I just feel like laughing for no reason. Five minutes later, the bottom drops out and I feel lower than a frog in the mud at the bottom of a pond covered with algae.
But that doesn’t last long either, fortunately. And, God has blessed me with intelligence and creativity in writing, visual media and many other things. It helps keep me going and helps to keep things in perspective. Work is just work. My life is my own and it is made up of my activities, my relationships with others, my creative outlets and improving the space around me (happy homeowner).
I go back and forth between discouragement and hope when I think of my future. I’m a writer who doesn’t write. That’s one of the reasons I started this blog. I used to journal just for myself, but it inevitably broke down to a retelling of the mundane. I figured if other people were reading it, it’d give me a different perspective. Hopefully that is the case. If it gets mundane, someone please tell me!